From Anxious To Sober: What 28 Years of Drug and Alcohol Use Taught Me.
I started drinking when I was 12 years old.
I was alone a lot and learned how to concoct interesting combinations in our family kitchen.
My loneliness no longer felt heavy.
It became my secret pleasure. After a couple years I found friends who also enjoyed drinking.
Outside grocery stores we’d ask strangers to buy us 40 ounces of Miller or Old English or a bottle of Boont Wine.
This was a typical friday night.
I smoked pot for the first time from a Mug’s Root Beer can in a trench alongside a field in Davis in the 7th grade.
By the time I was in my late teens I was smoking finger thick joints multiple times a day.
I learned the difference between Mexican and Humboldt Green.
Finding the latter became a #1 priority.
I took LSD and ate mushrooms throughout junior high and into high school.
By the time I was in my mid 20’s I was regularly using cocaine, dabbled in meth, and put in a year of smoking heroin.
I’ve done my fare share of drugs.
I never identified as an addict.
I just liked how it felt.
Or, more accurately, I liked how I didn’t feel when I used.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I suffered from anxiety.
It crippled me.
I didn’t know what was wrong.
Why I couldn’t do certain things.
Why I hid in my living room watching TV after school.
Why I didn’t take classes that interested me.
Why I didn’t make new friends.
Why my dreams were so hard to reach.
I didn’t see a big problem with using drugs and alcohol.
Feeling better seemed like a great reason to use them.
I identified as a functioning, relatively self aware and normal young adult.
I spend most of my young adult life intoxicated.
I’m not here to talk about my experience using drugs and alcohol.
What I want to share is what happened when I stopped.
I came to a place where I couldn’t ignore the small voice in my head that begged me to stop.
She wanted me to know all my power;
I slowly complied with her request.
I stopped using hard drugs all together.
I stopped smoking pot and getting high every day.
I drank less.
I’d learned practices and developed habits to manage my anxiety.
I released my emotional and mental dependance on drugs and faced the truth of my being.
I soon met the man who would become my life partner.
We started a family and my life long dream of becoming a Mother was realized.
My Businesses grew.
For the First time, I knew Abundance.
I still drank though.
Alcohol was the first to come and the last to leave.
I remember the last time I had been drunk.
It was my 29th birthday - almost 13 years ago.
The last decade + of drinking was pleasurable and easy.
I enjoyed a glass or two of red wine with dinner.
I loved the occasional Sunday Brunch with Champagne,
On holidays and special occasions I would create a signature cocktail to mark the occasion.
At the river, beach or on vacation I’d enjoy a beer with lunch and another a few hours later.
I hadn’t been drunk in years, but the relief alcohol provided me was huge.
I was wound so tight I needed it to relax me.
I loved my life. There was nothing about it that needed changing.
I had a loving partner.
3 healthy children
A meaningful career
A beautiful home
Health, Money, Friends.
But there was the anxiety.
Moderate drinking was an acceptable means of managing this anxiety, right?
Alcohol took the edge off.
As soon as the wine/beer/cosmopolitan touched my lips I would think
Just what I need.
When the kids were screaming,
When the day was “off”
If someone said something off putting
I desired the drink.
This is what I’d programmed my brain to think, anyways.
So I went along like this for a long time.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotions and thoughts.
Remedying my human experience with alcohol.
Believing I was something that needed to be fixed.
But that voice.
The small echo became louder and louder.
I couldn’t ignore her.
I thought I’d done enough and perhaps she’d be content with me drinking just a little bit.
She wanted all of me.
The biggest steps were behind me, but the greatest step was still before me.
Who would I BE sober?
Could I even Stand myself?
Would people even like me?
What about all the reasons I still drank?
What would I do with those?
I found out.
This is what I know now.
I would be my best self sober.
Alcohol NEVER made me better.
It only masked the feelings of not being good enough.
As soon as I stopped drinking I knew I was worthy.
She was worthy.
Now I believe I am more than enough.
I can definitely stand myself.
Now let it be here, like a pet rock I carry around with me.
I’m able to carve out the space for it now that I have more space.
I allow my anxiety and this is SO much easier.
I don’t pile suffering onto my Anxiety by how I think about it.
I no longer think I shouldn’t be anxious or that there’s a problem because I’m anxious.
I simply Am.
People LOVE me
They know me better now.
I know myself better now.
I show up authentically and share wholeheartedly.
My friends, family and those I meet SEE ME.
If they don’t like what they see, that’s OK.
It’s not my job to impress them or change their mind.
The reasons I drank are the same reasons I’m sober.
My Big Work.
All of It.
If I wouldn’t change a thing, then why was I trying to change the ONE THING that made it all a reality -
I created my life and now I proudly and clearly stand before it.
My life IS my compelling reason to dig deeper, to show up more and to GO ALL IN.
The price of Relief was so much greater than I realized.
Checking out took so much of my time and energy.
Now I’m here - always.
There’s nothing to be relieved of or to check out from.
This is FREEDOM.
If you’re ready to end the struggle with Alcohol
I can help you.
I’m offering 10 individuals FREE coaching in a new 6 week program.
I’m launching March 4th.
Fill out an application HERE to be considered as one of my new clients.
How sobering is this?
I LOVE Believing in you.