Grief is Personal - Here's a Look into Mine.
I’m grieving right now.
My grandmother who was 99 years old recently passed.
We’re going to her funeral next week.
It’s like a century long spell on our family has been lifted.
What’s actually here I haven’t yet decide.
I’m simply remembering, honoring, loving her and all she did and gave to me.
This brings up the sudden death of one of my closest friends last year, who’s death I’ve accepted but not grieved.
I feel this like the stomach bug X 1,000,000.
It’s going to suck, but I’ll feel so much better when It’s allowed to come through.
Fuck, Murray. I miss you so much.
I’m also grieving me changing.
I’ve been undergoing a transformation in the last two years.
Looking back at it helps me make sense of the Grief I’m feeling about the intangible.
1. My third child was born.
I had to think different to have him.
Each of my children came to me and asked to be born.
I met their spirit and held them in my heart.
I had conversations with my partner and asked if we could bring these children in (he only wanted one!).
When we decided to have a third, I had to work through the conflict.. Mothering two was hard and I didn’t want it to be harder.
I had to think different and decided it would be easier.
This child would make everything easier.
2. I began a new Entrepreneurial path as a Life Coach.
I eat, breath and sleep coaching.
I’ve spent each and every day for two years studying, learning and appIying new and different tools and integrating my own into my life and with my clients.
It’s taken a drive and energy that I’ve desired for my life and my passion, but didn’t know - until now.
I’ve taken my engine out of high gear and I’m allowing neutral for a bit.
I have drive. Now I know.
3. Taking our Farm through compliance.
Taking our Business from the unregulated (read: black market, illegal, underground) cannabis industry into the most heavily regulated, taxed and fastest growing industry EVER is head spinning.
I kept mine on straight, which blew it open.
This is how I’ve been experiencing the true medicine and effects of Cannabis’s power.
My understanding of how Cannabis works has deepened beyond anything I knew or expected from a plant.
I’ll leave it here - for now.
4. Learning to LOVE more deeply.
Especially my partner.
A few years ago I was getting comfortable with one foot out the door.
I was having a hard time accepting who he was and I made him responsible for my emotions.
This gave him all my power, which I then played victim to.
I could either accept this is what our relationship was, which wasn’t what I pictured or wanted;
I could leave, which every fiber of my body said no,
or I could completely let go of what I thought a marriage looks like and notice what IS.
I chose the latter.
In doing this I accepted myself. I learned compassion and forgiveness for me.
My partner benefits from this tenfold. And so does every one else in my life.
5. I’ve stopped drinking alcohol.
I started drinking when I was 12 and smoking pot soon after.
I learned early on that I can feel better with a drink and a smoke.
I hadn’t been drunk in over a decade and, for me, getting stoned didn’t work after having kids, but I still enjoyed my glass (or two) of wine each night and loved a cocktail or beer when the occasion called for it (it’s amazing how these occasions are always coming up!).
But in my work I realized I was avoiding so many emotions with drinking. I was using my time and energy avoiding instead of allowing and living.
This has been such a gift - and so much easier than I had expected.
6. I’ve been consciously and deliberately weeding through every belief that surfaces.
This is the result of Life Coaching and Being Sober.
This requires steady presence and a commitment to deeper consciousness and Being.
It’s made me the Mom I’ve always wanted to be. The partner I’ve always wanted to be. The Friend I’ve always wanted to be. The Person I’ve always wanted to be.
I’ve transformed and I’m Grieving.
I’m not tired,
But I’m coming undone.
I was feeling a vibration in my body I’m so familiar with, but can’t put my finger on.
Last week, as I was mid crawl across the living room floor in a sudden sneaking / crawling out of my skin / find something - anything to do NOW vibe - it hit me:
I don’t know what this feeling is.
This feeling I know so well and have been crawling away from for as long as I can remember.
So I’m feeling it.
So I grieve.
I grieve deciding to no longer think about everything so much.
I grieve releasing the commitment I made as a child to always work on being better, to grow and evolve and become the person I dreamed of.
I’ve decided I’m here.
I don’t need to work any more.
I don’t need to process everything that happened.
I’ve grown and evolved out of needing to grow and evolve.
I’m grieving the loss of who I was.
Everything I held onto.
All the thoughts and patterns that defined me.
Who I am becoming truly is good enough.
I don’t need to know anything more.
I have everything I need to do whatever I want.
I don’t know what’s on the other side of this grief.
But I’m not going back.
This is the thing with grief -
It has you.
You have to surrender to it’s unfolding. and ride it.
You can’t decide when or if it comes.
You just have to decide who you are IN It.
I’m in - for all of it.
The people who’ve passed
The ideas and beliefs that no longer serve
The person I was who can’t go where I’m going.